I wish I didn't, but I have moments when I just can't fight the urge. Comparison. I get trapped in the game often. She has this. She has that. Why don't I have it that easy? Why can't I live that life? Why can't I be more like her?
Comparison is a game I am all too familiar with. Especially when it comes to my body. You see, when I was around 9 years old I started to observe things about my body that seemed unappealing to me. Not because of social media but because of me and well.. life. I had stretch marks on my knee caps and I was only nine... no other nine year old I knew had stretch marks or even knew what they were.
Kids would ask me if I got scratched by a cat. They thought there was some insane, slightly epic story behind these strange scars on my legs and every time I was asked about my stretch marks, I wished that was the case. The truth is, I did exactly what every other kid does; grow.
That is all I had to do to get those tiger stripes on my kneecaps. Grow. Yet, for some reason, God decided I was going to do what every other kid does and get a completely different result.
As I got older, the stretch marks popped up in other places. My back. My elbows. Then acne came into the picture. Then the struggle with maintaining my hair on a daily basis. Then I needed braces and when those came off, because I had no retainer, my teeth started to shift. Then I realized I was 18 and my boobs were the size of my clenched fists. My hips weren't wide enough. My shoulders too broad. My butt, nonexistent. etc. etc. etc.
I developed a bit of shame in my heart. My thought was, "If I get married... how am I going to present such an ugly body to my husband?.. How will he be proud to call me his wife if my body looks so disgusting? So trashed??"
Always something with my body.
Or was it always something... with me?
Sure, most people don't see half the stuff I complain about until they are well into their thirties/forties. Some people don't struggle with any of the things I complain about with my body and will never have to! God bless them! But God bless me too!
Despite what I may not like about my body. Despite how much I may feel like a decaying flower, I am alive for a reason. There is purpose behind the skin. Behind the face. Behind the stretch marks. If I put my value in those superficial and decaying traits, then my value will decay with it.
However, if I put my value in who I am and what I bring to this world as a person? If I focus on making the soul inside of me timelessly radiant? What will I have to lose then?
I still get frustrated at times. I feel ugly some days and beautiful the next. But i'm over basing my happiness on beauty. I've realized I feel the most beautiful when I am enjoying the company of good friends and family with whom I can be completely and totally myself around. Luckily for me, that kind of beauty never decays.
How do you deal with the temptation to compare yourself? When do you feel the most beautiful?
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