I have known this friend for so long (I mean practically since birth...) that naturally I felt as though we were siblings. We shared so many memories growing up and I remember so many good times shared with...I will call this friend Hannah, that I thought when we reunited we'd be able to laugh as we reminisced and catch up. I guess I was hoping to respark the natural chemistry of our friendship that we had growing up. But our reunion proved to be a little less than that...
I stayed true to myself and who I am today. I stayed positive, hopeful, non-judgemental, open-hearted, and I was even kind of excited. As we talked, I realized that me and Hannah were into a few of the same things (except Hannah's expertise far surpassed my own on a few of those things). I wanted to pick her brain a bit and reconnect over our love for xyz.
It is at this point that my friend Liv joined us. Hannah's friend, Gisele, was enjoying this conversation with us before Liv joined in.
Liv is one of those friends with an almost annoyingly magnetic personality. Your friends very quickly become Liv's friends when Liv is around. You have to love her because she really is a fantastic friend! She offers amazing advice, is the first person to defend you against those who hurt you, and is just an all around great friend. But, if you hang out with her as much as I do, seeing how eager people seem to ditch you to hang out with her all of the the time can be quite discouraging...
I've always believed that opposites attract. The best friendships I've observed are those in which your friend can help you in the area's you lack in and vice versa. Iron sharpening iron. Me and Liv have this kind of friendship hence, why our bond is so tight.
As Hannah, Liv, Gisele, and I are conversing, everytime Hannah speaks, Liv relates and I can't help but think how awesome it is that Hannah is still somehow naturally opposite of me. I am becoming more hopeful with every way the conversation spins that Hannah and I could be friends again.
Fast forward, it is closer to the end of the night and who does Hannah want to speak to? Liv. I've seen this a million times and for some reason every time this happens, I feel slighted and unimportant (especially compared to Liv). How can I keep wanting to forge relationships with people who just don't see what I see in a potential friendship between us?
Hannah and Liv swap numbers and there I am again. Simply a circumstance to a newfound friendship. One that I was hoping to forge that same night.
The Aftermath?
Afterwards, as unsettled and uncomfortable I felt since I basically felt rejected by my childhood best friend/practical sister, I hid these feelings from Liv. I didn't ask her about it. I just pretended not to care.
Inside, I wondered what it was that might have seemed off-putting to Hannah. I always have the best times when I can be completely myself and I had always felt that with Hannah...until that night.
After pondering this, battling feelings of inadequacy and rejection, I realized something.
Liv was being herself that night, as Liv always is. I was being myself that night, as I always am. I love myself, I really do. That's one thing I am proud I learned about in 2017- I've learned what my true value is, where it comes from, and who I am.
Shame on me for looking in the mirror like there is something wrong with me when all I did was be myself! My crazy, funny, beautiful, kindhearted self! The blame shouldn't be on Hannah either. Hannah will friend whoever Hannah wants to friend. I refuse to punish myself for being hopeful for a friendship with anyone.
That's just who I am! I love people! All people. If people don't necessarily like me or favor me, that's a-ok with me because I like who I am. I shouldn't change that simply because it isn't someone else's cup of tea.
What's one mans trash is another mans come-up.
There are seven billion different people on this planet. I realized that my concern should not be that I can't find one of those people to like or favor me- but that I would water myself down to better suit the palettes of those who wouldn't like me had I not done so.
What are your thoughts on this? Do you think that to a certain extent, you need to change yourself for the relationships you desire?
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